Friday, July 23, 2010

My back, my head, etc.

Before my daughter died, I had always imagined that this sort of severe grief was like a guillotine... bang! Comes down the moment you find out he or she is gone, your head rolls off, blood spurts out of your neck hole and that's that. It's not that easy though. I have to say, after 3 years, it's more like a slow, flesh eating disease. It eats you from the inside out. It twists up your bones, wrenches your muscles, jerks and strains your nervous system and turns your skin into wax paper.

After a month of severe back problems, MRI, X-rays, etc., I was ushered into physical therapy. Turns out that depression and anxiety aside from the obvious fun, also create/amplify physical problems as well. It affects posture which, over time, puts stress on your spine and muscles... I've also been having headaches which I thought were due to vision problems. Not so... Apparently, they are cluster headaches, and they are often caused/amplified by (drumroll please)... you guessed it!! Anxiety and depression!!

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and examined the way that grief has most likely accelerated my aging. My hair is white... my spine is hunched and sore... eyes are tired, dark and creased from squinting... Jesus Christ. I think I'm just now, 3 years later, realizing how tired I am, physically, from being so often in a locked and hunched position.

So... that's my goal for year 4: learning to unlock.


  1. I check everyday to see what you have posted. My heart just aches for you everyday. It is hard for me to comment. I don't have any words that would begin to tell you how amazing I think you are. You have such a way of putting things into words. I loved Roxy so much. I wanted her so much. I am so sorry. I love you all so much. I wish I could take your pain away, and know that is not possible.

  2. Thanks mom- I know how much your grand kids mean to you, and I know you felt and continue to feel this loss very deeply as well-- I know a lot of this stuff is probably tough to read, but it's important to document it I think.