Monday, May 24, 2010

May 24th, 2010 - Lila turns 1

I haven't posted in a while... I got tired. I needed to rest.

Lila turned a year old 3 days ago, and it's felt incredibly magical. When you lose a child, you spend an inordinate amount of time worrying that your remaining children will not survive... I had seen her birthday as a landmark: a line in the sand where LILA WOULD BE OKAY. A point which I would NOT suck all the air out of the room every time my cell phone rang and I saw Terra's number (seriously, I take this giant breath every time, and start to panic, imagining the sound of Terra's hysterical screams on the other end...). But Terra just called me. Apparently, that is not a bridge I will ever cross completely. I will have occasional fits of fear that Mason and Lila will die before me for the rest of my life, apparently. It sucks to have to accept that.

At the same time, this gift of Lila, this magical little creature who already sings and gravitates to music and musical instruments... this little warm smiling package... she is so inherently unique and gushing with sweetness, and she makes me somehow grateful to have survived this long.

Some day she will probably ask questions I don't yet know how to answer, but I'm working on it:

"Would I have been born if Roxy had lived?"
--(I think I will tell her what I believe: she, Lila, was meant for us and she would have made an incredible little sister to Roxy as she is to Mason)
"Do you love Roxy more than me?"
--(Each shotgun-weilding child blasts his/her own hole into a specific part of our hearts. I have been done in, bowled over and electrocuted by the love I equally feel for all my children).

Lila, Roxy, Mason, you are all loved.


  1. Kenny, I had the same reaction to phone calls for quite a while after a really traumatic time in my life. It's finally gone. Not sure if the same'll happen for you, but I know where you're coming from on that one.

    I read a good book called Invisible Heroes. It taught me a lot about post-traumatic stress and how to use visualization to heal it. Just putting that one out there.

  2. Thanks Jim (Kenny says 2 months later- I don't have my blog set up to notify me when someone comments- need to change that)